President Trump was furious after the DOJ made an unprecendented release of a letter from his most recent would-be assassin offering a $150,000 bounty on his head. The bizarre disclosure puts Trump in the crosshairs of every lunatic wanting a payday to kill a high profile target. However, Trump was more concerned about the seemingly low offer made by Ryan Routh.

“Seriously? Only $150,000?”, Trump commented from the campaign trail. “Trust me. I’m worth far more than that. Not only is this guy a loser when it comes to planning assassination attempts, but he can’t even give a proper bounty for someone like me. Maybe add a couple of zeroes to the end of that number and we can talk. I tell you I’m the most disrespected president in history. No one even comes close.”

Professional assassins agreed that the bounty was far too small to get the attention of anyone serious about their trade. “Is that a joke?” said professional hitman Johnny “Two Taps” Mancini. “Everyone knows someone like Trump would require a seven or eight figure bounty to even get attention. Most of the professionals in my field wouldn’t take on a bounty like that anyway. Trump is kind an honorary Don in my line of work. It would be disrespectful to take a contract to take down the king.