In a groundbreaking and completely bizarre scientific revelation, a 3D scan and printed replica of President Joe Biden‘s skull has uncovered the root of his cognitive struggles. Experts have long wondered what could be causing the visible slowdown in his mental acuity—and now, the mystery has finally been solved. Tiny sloths are the real culprits, as they’ve taken up residence in Biden’s skull and are typing very, very slowly.

The Discovery: “It’s a Jungle In There”

The findings came after a team of top-tier neurologists and 3D-printing experts combined forces to produce a detailed replica of the president’s skull. As they peered inside, expecting to find the usual workings of a human brain, they were instead greeted by a scene straight out of a David Attenborough documentary.

“There they were—dozens of tiny, sluggish sloths,” said Dr. Mark Quick, the lead researcher. “And they weren’t just hanging around. No, they were seated at tiny desks, typing very slowly on even tinier typewriters. It was like watching a bureaucracy in slow motion, and it explained a lot.”

According to the team, these minuscule sloths have been at the helm of Biden’s cognitive functions for an unknown period of time, typing responses to questions and commands at a pace that can only be described as glacial.

A Slow Downturn in Mental Health

While Biden’s occasional missteps and gaffes have been attributed to everything from his age to long days on the campaign trail, it now appears the real reason is the sloth-driven typing happening inside his brain.

“Whenever Biden has one of those long pauses or seems to lose his train of thought, it’s because the sloths are furiously typing away—well, furiously by sloth standards,” said Dr. Tina Languor, the team’s sloth expert. “Unfortunately, their definition of ‘fast’ is… slow. Very slow.”

An analysis of Biden’s most recent press conferences showed a consistent lag between questions and answers, which researchers are now calling the Sloth Lag. The sloths, it seems, are trying their best to respond quickly, but their naturally lethargic pace makes it impossible for Biden to keep up with fast-moving reporters or heated debates.

“Think about it—every time he says ‘uh’ or ‘look, here’s the deal,’ that’s the sloths trying to fill time as they type out their next response,” explained Languor. “They’re doing their best, but they’re just not wired for speed.”

Sloth Power: A Relic of the Past?

As for how the sloths ended up in Biden’s skull, theories abound. Some suggest this could be the result of an evolutionary throwback—an ancient form of brain function that predates the modern human brain. Others argue that the sloths might have taken residence more recently, perhaps during Biden’s long Senate career, when he didn’t need to process things as quickly.

“Sloth power may have been fine when he was passing bills in the Senate at a relaxed pace,” said political analyst Tom Doddle. “But in today’s fast-paced political landscape, the sloths are really struggling to keep up. They’re just not built for Twitter-speed responses or 24-hour news cycles.”

How Does Biden Feel About It?

When asked for comment, Biden seemed blissfully unaware of the sloth situation. “Look, folks, here’s the deal,” he began, as researchers observed the sloths in his skull furiously clacking away on their tiny typewriters. “I’ve got a lot going on up here,” he said, pointing to his head with a knowing smile.

It took about 45 seconds for the sloths to catch up, and the president finally concluded, “But I’m getting it done, just watch me.”

White House insiders have noted that Biden’s speeches have taken on a more measured pace in recent months giving up his candidacy, a likely result of the sloths needing extra time to compose his remarks.

Can the Sloths Be Replaced?

The big question now is whether the sloths can be swapped out for faster brain operators—perhaps a squad of hyperactive squirrels or a team of diligent ants. Neurologists are reportedly exploring the possibilities, but in the meantime, Biden’s sloths remain hard at work, typing his next campaign slogan one slow keystroke at a time.

“Who knows?” said Dr. Quick. “Maybe we’ll get lucky, and they’ll pick up the pace by 2024. In the meantime, we just need to be patient. After all, they’re sloths.”

Until then, the American public can rest easy knowing that while their president might pause a little too long or lose his train of thought, it’s not because he’s forgotten—it’s just that the sloths inside his head haven’t quite finished typing yet.