In a bold pivot hailed as “a masterclass in industrial outsourcing,” the Chinese government has announced it is relocating its fentanyl manufacturing operations to Gary, Indiana, citing the need to avoid Trump-era tariffs and take advantage of America’s “abandoned post-industrial wastelands.” Chinese state media praised Gary’s “ample warehouse space, complete lack of federal oversight, and a workforce already used to disappointment.” Local officials, initially under the impression the deal involved “revitalizing domestic chemical manufacturing,” are now scrambling to Google “fentanyl” and “extradition treaties.”

“We figured if America’s going to blame us for the opioid crisis anyway, we might as well collect the tax credits,” said Vice Minister of Synthetic Exports Zhao Wen, while breaking ground on a state-of-the-art facility in what used to be a Pizza Hut. U.S. trade officials were caught off guard, but noted the move technically qualifies as “onshoring,” meaning President Trump was quick to claim victory. “This is a huge win,” he told reporters at Mar-a-Lago. “China is finally making drugs in America. We’re bringing jobs back—illegal ones, sure—but American jobs. You’re welcome.”

The new plant, dubbed “Great Leap High,” is already offering $18 an hour, free hazmat suits, and mandatory karaoke nights. Locals, confused but desperate, are signing up in droves. “Honestly, it’s the best job offer I’ve had since the steel mill closed in ‘98,” said one applicant. “Plus, I get dental.”