In a bold move that no one asked for, HBO Max has announced their upcoming Harry Potter reboot, but this time, the show is getting a “modern” update. Responding to the mounting pressures of diversity, equity, and inclusion (DEI) standards—and a desire to hit every social acceptance checkbox imaginable—the producers are shaking things up in ways that are sure to bewilder longtime fans.

Here’s a sneak peek at some of the creative choices that HBO Max is making to ensure the Wizarding World is as “inclusive” and “progressive” as possible.

1. Hermione Granger: Ethnically Fluid and Gender Nonconforming

Hermione, known for her intelligence and resourcefulness, will now be reimagined as an ethnically ambiguous, gender-nonconforming character. She’ll be played by an actor who identifies as neither male nor female, making her potions and spell-casting much more about finding balance between her energies and social acceptance. She’ll also lead the charge for elf rights, demanding Hogwarts changes its entire curriculum to focus on “equitable spell distribution.”

2. Harry Potter: Pansexual Icon

Harry, the Boy Who Lived, will now explore his sexuality with a modern twist. Rather than being “just a guy with a scar,” Harry will be portrayed as a pansexual wizard, and his relationships will span multiple genders, species, and even non-magical creatures (there’s a rumored subplot involving a centaur). Expect a lot of wand jokes, but with a more inclusive vibe.

3. Ron Weasley: Proudly Vegan and Anti-Magic

Ron Weasley, traditionally the lovable redhead, will now be a staunch vegan who refuses to eat any Hogwarts feasts. Not only that, but Ron will lead an underground student movement known as “Wizards for Non-Magical Solutions” (WFNS) where they protest the use of magic, claiming that “spells are a form of privilege.” Expect Ron to mostly use Muggle gadgets and often question why wizards even need wands in 2024.

4. Hogwarts: Gender-Neutral Dormitories

Say goodbye to the old-fashioned boys’ and girls’ dorms. In the new series, Hogwarts will now feature gender-neutral dormitories to ensure all students feel safe and included. Professor McGonagall, now reimagined as a fierce non-binary advocate, will oversee the transition, teaching Transfiguration with the tagline: “Transfiguration is for everyone!”

5. Draco Malfoy: Reformed and Running a Social Justice Club

In a surprising twist, Draco Malfoy will start the series as a former bully who’s now the head of Hogwarts’ Social Justice Club. He’ll spend his time leading protests against Slytherin’s historical reputation and organizing events like “Wizards Against Patriarchy.” His wand? A handcrafted, sustainably-sourced artifact from a fair-trade artisan in Diagon Alley.

6. Dumbledore: Openly Polyamorous

Forget keeping his relationship status mysterious. Dumbledore, now the face of wizarding polyamory, will openly discuss his many relationships with various magical beings. In the series, he’ll host “Love Without Limits” seminars at Hogwarts, helping students navigate the complexities of magical polyamory while also fighting for more diverse representation in wizarding textbooks.

7. Lord Voldemort: Oppressed, Misunderstood Anti-Hero

Voldemort will be portrayed as more of an anti-hero, with a backstory that paints him as an oppressed wizard, marginalized by the Hogwarts elite. In a new sympathetic arc, viewers will learn that his quest for power was actually a response to systemic inequalities in the wizarding world. His new mantra? “Dark Marks Matter.”

8. Hagrid: Non-Binary and Animal Rights Activist

Hagrid will be reimagined as non-binary and will take on a more activist role. The character will be seen protesting against the use of Hippogriffs for sporting events and forming an alliance with PETA (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals). Hagrid will still care for magical creatures but will do so while demanding Hogwarts adopt “species-appropriate language.”

9. Snape: Socially Awkward Ally

Severus Snape will now be portrayed as a socially awkward but well-meaning ally, constantly reminding students that he was “always on the right side of history.” He’ll lead Hogwarts’ diversity training sessions, offering insight on how to navigate uncomfortable conversations around Dark Arts and the importance of “reforming Slytherin’s image.”

10. Quidditch: Now Fully Inclusive

Quidditch will undergo a complete overhaul, making it a fully inclusive, non-competitive sport where there are no winners or losers, just participants. Instead of points, players will earn “feel-good badges” for teamwork and inclusivity. Also, the golden snitch will now be a rainbow-colored symbol of unity.

11. Neville Longbottom: Plant-Based and Rehabilitating the Whomping Willow

Neville, always the underdog, will take up the cause of rehabilitating aggressive magical plants like the Whomping Willow. As the head of the new “Eco-Hogwarts Club,” Neville will preach the importance of going plant-based (both in and out of the greenhouse) and advocate for the protection of dangerous magical flora.

12. Ginny Weasley: Genderfluid Warrior

Ginny will be reimagined as a fierce, genderfluid warrior. She’ll take up a new sword (enchanted with pronouns that shift according to her identity each day) and lead an army of diverse warriors who fight to dismantle outdated wizarding norms. Expect her to battle not just dark wizards but centuries of patriarchal wizarding traditions.

Hogwarts: The Ultimate “Woke” Wizarding School

The new Hogwarts will make sure no stone is left unturned in the quest for inclusivity. Students will learn spells that “honor all genders and species” while also engaging in mandatory equity and inclusion workshops. Even the portraits will be diverse, with some of Hogwarts’ most famous historical figures being reimagined to reflect modern ideals.

And in a final twist, the Sorting Hat now allows students to self-identify their house. Who needs an enchanted hat to decide their fate when they can just declare their own destiny?

Coming Soon: A Socially-Conscious Wizarding World

Whether these creative decisions will endear fans or leave them spellbound in confusion remains to be seen, but one thing’s for sure: the Harry Potter universe has never been this inclusive—or this chaotic. Stay tuned for a magical journey like you’ve never seen before!