California Governor Gavin Newsom has never been one to shy away from a good environmental crusade, and now he’s kicking it up a notch. After successfully banning plastic straws and semi-banning plastic bags (because, really, you could still buy them if you had the nerve), Newsom has declared his ultimate war on plastics. His latest plan? Ban all plastics in California.

But wait—there’s an exemption or two. Because, of course, when it comes to personal reasons, even Governor Newsom has a soft spot for the occasional bit of artificiality.

All Plastics Must Go… Except, Well, Some Plastics

In a bold move to secure his place in the history books as the man who saved the environment one petroleum-based product at a time, Newsom is pushing for a complete ban on all plastics across the state. That’s right, no more plastic bags, no more plastic utensils, no more plastic packaging—say goodbye to all things convenient and disposable!

But as every well-groomed politician knows, sometimes personal needs trump the greater good. That’s why the ban comes with some key exemptions for those materials that hit a little too close to home for Newsom.

• Exemption #1: Plastic Surgery “Look,” Newsom said at a press conference while checking his reflection in the mirror, “there’s good plastic, and there’s bad plastic. When it comes to plastic surgery, we’re talking about something sacred. California has a reputation to uphold, and let’s face it, these cheekbones didn’t just come out of nowhere.” The governor insists that while banning plastic products that harm the environment is important, he’s not about to throw the baby Botox out with the bathwater. “If we lose plastic surgery, we lose the essence of what it means to be Californian.”
• Exemption #2: Plastic Hair Molds In perhaps the least surprising exemption, Newsom also carved out an exception for plastic hair molds, claiming “personal reasons.” While the governor didn’t elaborate, sources close to him suggest that the perfectly coiffed Newsom wouldn’t dare risk his carefully sculpted locks by banning the tools that help keep his hair in place. “Listen,” he said with a smirk, “some things are non-negotiable.”

The Road to Banishing Plastic Forever

The war on plastics began back in 2019 when Newsom tackled plastic straws. For the uninitiated, California residents were forced to switch to soggy paper straws that disintegrate halfway through their iced matcha lattes. But Newsom wasn’t done there. Next came the semi-ban on plastic bags—Californians could still buy them at the grocery store, but only if they were willing to shell out a few extra cents per bag and walk away with a bag that would instantly rip under the weight of a single avocado.

Then, in a sudden twist, Newsom decided to ban plastic bags altogether, forcing Californians to carry everything from groceries to goldfish in reusable hemp sacks, or, as some residents have taken to, using their own hands and walking very, very carefully. “We need to protect the planet,” Newsom said, “even if it means slightly inconveniencing the people who live on it.”

Now, his total plastic ban is poised to tackle everything from Tupperware to toothbrushes. But don’t worry, Californians—if you’re thinking of getting a facelift or keeping your hair perfectly molded through your fifth Zoom meeting of the day, there’s still hope.

Public Response: A Mix of Confusion and Hair Gel Panic

Reactions from the public have ranged from mild confusion to full-blown hair gel panic. “How am I supposed to survive without my plastic containers?” asked one resident of Los Angeles. “I guess I’ll just throw my leftovers in the ocean directly? Or, wait, no…that’s what we’re trying to avoid, right?”

Meanwhile, local plastic surgeons are celebrating the exemption, noting that Newsom has clearly recognized the true essential services of California. “He’s got his priorities straight,” said Dr. Jonathan Scalpel, a prominent Beverly Hills plastic surgeon. “If we can’t give Californians the noses they deserve, what’s the point of living here?”

Newsom’s Hair: The Silent Beneficiary

While Californians may struggle to adjust to life without plastic forks, bottles, or packaging, one thing remains untouched by this drastic legislation: Governor Newsom’s perfectly molded hair. Insiders say the governor’s hair-care routine involves just the right amount of product, none of which can be easily replaced by biodegradable alternatives.

“It’s the best of both worlds,” said one Newsom staffer. “The environment is saved, and the governor’s hair remains impeccable. Everybody wins.”

What’s Next? Wooden Cell Phones?

As Californians prepare for life without plastics—stocking up on metal straws and bamboo toothbrushes—the rest of the country is left wondering: what will Newsom ban next?

Rumors are swirling that he’s already set his sights on eliminating all non-recyclable materials from electronics, starting with cell phones. “Imagine a world,” Newsom teased, “where your iPhone is made out of 100% reclaimed wood. Think of the Instagram pictures. Think of the artisanal appeal.”

Until then, Californians will have to navigate a plastic-free world—unless, of course, they’re booking a plastic surgery consultation or getting their hair perfectly coiffed, in which case, plastic is still very much allowed.

For now, at least, it seems like the only thing that’s banned is convenience. But, hey, at least the planet’s a little greener. And Gavin’s hair? Still immaculate.