FORT KNOX, KY—In a move that has stunned Washington and thrilled his millions of followers, Elon Musk has taken it upon himself to investigate whether Fort Knox still holds America’s gold reserves. With President Donald Trump’s full backing, Musk hired legendary prospector Yukon Cornelius to get to the bottom of what he called “the biggest financial mystery of our time.”

“This is a national security issue,” Musk declared while arriving at Fort Knox in a Cybertruck. “If there’s no gold, how are we supposed to back DOGE?” Yukon Cornelius, known for his old-school prospecting skills, wasted no time. Licking his pickaxe after every strike, he repeatedly shook his head. “Nothin’. And I always taste gold when it’s there.”

Musk’s SpaceX engineers deployed advanced ground-penetrating technology and confirmed Cornelius’ fears—most of the vault was empty. Instead of gold bars, they found stacks of IOUs, dusty Federal Reserve memos, and a single sticky note that read: “Be right back – The Fed.”

President Trump, upon hearing the news, took to Truth Social. “WOW! Musk is right! The gold is GONE! Who took it? Crooked bureaucrats? China? We’re going to get it back, folks, and we’re going to do it BIGLY!” He later announced an executive order demanding a full audit, adding, “Yukon Cornelius—fantastic guy. One of the best prospectors, I hear. Smart move by Elon!”

With Fort Knox’s secrets exposed, Musk proposed an alternative plan: converting the vault into a Tesla Gigafactory and letting Cornelius oversee gold mining operations on Mars. “If the gold’s not here,” Musk reasoned, “we’ll just go get more.”