**Senator Elizabeth Warren Furious with Israel, Offers to Teach Hezbollah Ancient Smoke Signal Techniques**

Senator Elizabeth Warren, furious with Israel for allegedly setting explosive boobytraps in the pagers and radios of Hezbollah, offered to teach her Native American smoke signal communication techniques. “I have access to an ancient communication skill that will keep these poor freedom fighters safe,” Warren declared at a hastily arranged press conference, where she unveiled her new initiative to modernize militant communication—by taking it back several centuries.

Warren, donning a fringed jacket for authenticity, spent the morning sending smoke signals to Hezbollah leaders to inform them of her offer. So far, she has not received a response, but remains optimistic. “It’s a little tricky with the wind today, but I’m sure they’ll get the message,” she said, as plumes of smoke awkwardly rose over the Capitol.

The senator emphasized that this technique, used by indigenous tribes for generations, is both eco-friendly and far more reliable than “anything with a battery or a suspicious antenna.” She also touted the cultural significance of the technique, saying, “It’s time to give these oppressed groups the tools to resist surveillance and sabotage—while also paying homage to indigenous traditions.”

We were unable to reach any Hezbollah leaders for comment, as reports suggest they are either dead or too scared to use any communication devices at all. The surviving members, if any, are rumored to be scanning the horizon for smoke clouds rather than checking their radios.

Warren’s critics, however, were quick to raise concerns. “We’re not sure how practical this is in urban areas with air pollution,” noted one foreign policy analyst. “Also, smoke is generally not known for its precision in covert messaging.”

Despite the lack of immediate feedback, Warren remains hopeful that her offer will inspire a new era of peaceful, smoke-based communication. As a final gesture, she sent out one more smoke signal: “Waiting for your reply. Send clouds when ready.”