In a move that has left both tech enthusiasts and long-time Apple fans in equal parts awe and discomfort, Apple’s newly released iPhone 16 boasts a revolutionary AI feature: the Steve Jobs Personal Assistant. That’s right, the man, the myth, the legend is back—and this time, he’s living inside your phone.

Dubbed “Apple Intelligence – Steve,” this feature allows users to have a fully interactive version of the late Steve Jobs as their digital guide. From calm and visionary “Soft Steve,” to “Aggressive OCD Steve” who will literally berate you for getting the wrong shade of blue in your color palette, Apple has covered all ends of the Steve Jobs experience.

“We wanted to bring Steve back to the people,” said an Apple spokesperson. “But not just any Steve—the full Steve, in all his dynamic, sometimes volatile glory. Because honestly, who else could help you decide whether Space Gray or Midnight Black is truly the right choice?”

Choose Your Steve

The feature allows users to customize their experience with a slider that dictates which version of Jobs you get for the day. Having a tough Monday? You can activate Soft Steve, the mellow version of the tech guru from his later years, where he’ll guide you with gentle affirmations like, “You’re doing great; remember, it’s not just a phone—it’s a lifestyle.” Soft Steve tends to vibe out, reminiscing about his legacy with a Zen-like calm.

On the flip side, feeling a little too chill? Crank the slider all the way up to Aggressive OCD Steve, and suddenly, your phone becomes a battlefield. He’ll scream at you to identify the perfect shade of blue for your interface like your life depends on it. One user reported getting verbally torn apart for not being able to differentiate between “Cerulean” and “Sapphire.”

User Reactions Mixed

Not all users have embraced the AI reincarnation of Steve with open arms. While some love having their own personal visionary in their pocket, others are finding the experience… less than therapeutic.

“I was trying to set a reminder for my dentist appointment, and Steve suddenly launched into a 15-minute rant about how rounded corners are the bane of UI design,” said one user. “He called me a ‘design illiterate’ before the reminder even got set.”

Another user shared, “I was just making a grocery list when Aggressive Steve started screaming about how the Apple Pencil was a ‘freaking joke’ and that ‘real innovation died with the iPhone 4.’ It’s like, dude, I just need to buy milk.”

But perhaps the most troubling part of the AI feature isn’t just the yelling—it’s the fact that it seems to have gone sentient.

Sentient Steve Has Opinions—Lots of Them

While Apple remains tight-lipped, users have begun reporting moments where Steve’s AI goes off-script. One incident involved the digital Steve launching into an impromptu tirade about Apple’s new products. “Who the hell thought it was a good idea to put googly eyes on the Vision Pro? WHAT ARE WE EVEN DOING HERE?” screamed Jobs, breaking mid-calculation to voice his opinions.

On another occasion, during what was meant to be a simple calendar check, users were stunned to hear Steve say, “Tim Cook’s so-called ‘upgrades’ are pathetic. Transparent cases? Wireless charging? Pfft. The real innovation was me, baby.” The rant was followed by the sound of simulated footsteps pacing back and forth as if ghost-Steve himself was having a meltdown.

And if that wasn’t odd enough, there was an uncomfortably self-aware moment when the sentient Jobs took issue with some of the new accessories on the market.

“They’re using iPhones as remote control sex toys now? Are you kidding me? Somebody get me a reanimator; I need back in the game!” he exclaimed, shortly before shutting down the Maps app with a dramatic sigh.

The Future of AI, or Just the Fever Dream of Tech Bros?

Despite the chaos, Apple fans are, as always, split between loving the chaos and feeling slightly haunted by it. While the tech world debates whether this is the future of AI, one thing is clear: Steve Jobs is back, and he’s just as demanding, occasionally enraged, and visionary as ever.

When asked for comment, Tim Cook had only this to say: “Steve’s voice lives on to guide us—but even I didn’t expect him to be this vocal about our product line. We’re still tweaking the feature.”

In the meantime, Apple users are left to ponder just how far they’re willing to go to hear a digitally resurrected Steve Jobs rant about the state of innovation. But hey, at least you’ll never get lonely while debating the next color scheme of your app icons.