Low-level White House staffer confuses directives, accidentally nukes Greenland and buys a hurricane

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Bob Gonoush, a junior staffer in the White House, set off a national emergency after confusing two separate directives from President Donald Trump this week. Mr. Gonoush was instructed to contact Denmark about purchasing Greenland, and to research the possibility of using tactical nukes to diffuse dangerous hurricanes. Unfortunately, the staffer was anxious to impress senior staff by taking initiative and going beyond what was asked of him. In his haste, Mr. Gonoush confused the two orders and launched a nuclear strike on Greenland while purchasing a hurricane on the black market from the 80’s German rock band, The Scorpions.

Mr. Gonoush is currently in hiding and unreachable. President Trump is rumored to be somewhat pleased with the outcome of the mistake. “He thought about it for a moment, and then shrugged his shoulders and asked where the hurricane was being kept,” said an insider requesting anonymity. “I think the fact that Denmark snubbed him before he even began negotiating for Greenland secretly pleased him.”


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